A Day in the Life of Michael Bay

 Michael Bay is known for his: poor plot conception; nonexistent character development; and excessive product placement, explosions, and some sort of fighting that his movies have become a formulaic interpretation of what I can only assume is his daily life. However, even with my authoritative arrogance when it comes to the film industry, I actually have absolutely no idea how a successful director of cinema goes about his daily routine. So without further ado, I give you my interpretation of a day in the life of Michael Bay.

I wake up every morning at 8 AM sharp and sit my ass down to a delicious bowl of delicious Frosted Flakes (They're Great) and start pumping some tasty jams through this radical new speaker system called the Beats Pill. Then I walk out to my yellow, racing striped Camaro where I keep pumping those crucial beats through my Camaro's newly installed BeatsAudio surround sound car speakers. These, I have to say, were an excellent investment. Then, out of the blue, a group of robot aliens descends from the sky and begins its hostile invasion of the world. Me, being the completely useless and utterly ill-equipped human that I am, decide to go to war with the giant alien bad guys. And look! My bravery has paid off and there is a completely scientific and accurate reason why my yellow Camaro has just turned into one of the same robot aliens but he's on my side! What are the odds! (seriously guys this can't be that astronomical, it happens to me basically every day). But... Oh shit, there's more. A completely different group of aliens that have no affiliation with the giant sky robots have emerged from the depths of the Pacific Ocean and I am needed in China in a building, named by a twelve-year-old, full of giant animatronic robots that can only be operated telepathically by two people who share a deep and psychological connection, or, you know, two people that just met or resent each other, basically any two people can be put into these twenty ton machines and shipped off into the ocean to try and save the planet. But wait, we are just now receiving information that a third crew of aliens, this time from space again, has come into a small island in the middle of the ocean and has completely invaded our navy and taken over our Battleships, which for some reason were all anchored right off the coast of this tiny island. That reminds me, Battleship is a great game, and Hasbro is a great company for making this great game. Ooh, that gives me a great idea for a movie about an alien invasion that happens during the middle of a true world war where there's like seven different opposing armies spread out all across the globe. But anyways, back to these island aliens who have now basically killed Rhianna, but she's actually fine and so are we because those aliens are dead. Just in time too because we just got word from NASA that a huge meteor is about to collide with earth and I have been charged with the difficult task of teaching oil drillers how to be astronauts (trust me, it's a lot easier to teach oil drillers to be astronauts than it is to teach astronauts how to use a big fucking drill). Anyways, what they're going to do is drill into the center of the asteroid and put a nuclear device inside so that it blows up and doesn't hit the earth in one immense piece, more like shower it 20 slightly smaller pieces that will only leave the earth covered in a nuclear winter for the next few millennia. Oh yeah, update on the crisis with space robots, they're all dead because the electromagnetic waves, or whatever, blew them all up and now New York is gone.... But we're still here!!! Also, we strapped a nuke to the back of one of our robots in China and sent it through this weird portal thing that all the sea aliens were coming through and that blew up so the earth is saved again. Oh, and in the span of an hour we prepped the space launch with all of the necessary calculations perfect but somehow we still managed to mess things up, fix them, and leave one of our crew members behind on the asteroid for some unknown reason while the rock blew up and saved our planet. Then at around 1:30 PM I have lunch and call it a day.