The Atlanta Falcons have the ball. They have tried a number of passing plays up to this point, but have been relatively unsuccessful. Matt Ryan, their 23 year-old quarterback has gone from cool customer to a full-blown headcase and the game is in danger of slipping out of their grasp. So what do they do? They give the ball to their powerhouse tailback/extraterrestrial superhero/Ph.D. Michael Turner, and he runs for a touchdown, as he has in each of the past 7 games. The man is sick. He may not have everything going for him--for instance he is not French--but his hustle game is top notch and he has probably killed a man.

To start with, he is shorter than I am, listed generously at 5'10". Born with this crippling disability, though, Turner chose to overcome and evidently did so by getting either titanium robot legs or eating animals python-style, as he weighs 260 pounds. You read that correctly: if you could life as much as this guy weighs, Megan would mos def want it.

In the interest of continuing my shameless plagiarism of El Mambalito, I will now digress and discuss a delicious food item. Humpty Dumpty "All Dressed" chips are radness personified. Only available in and around Canada, these chips comprise every flavor imaginable and were created when some mountain man factory employee, hammered drunk on his wife's best moonshine to drown the sorrows of watching the Bruins beat the Canadiens, tipped all the ingredients into one batch. This man deserves to be commended for his efforts and spared when we inevitably bomb Canada.