Rough Draw, Mamba

As you all know, the NFL kicked off its 2009-2010 season last week. No one would care, except that with the start of the pro football season comes fantasy football: the nerdy pursuit that has been ruining friendships and lowering GPAs for many years. This year, one league stands out above the rest because it is made up entirely, with one exception, of bosses. I speak, of course, of RIP Cory. 

Most of the league'sWeek 1 matchups were fairly routine victories, with no last-minute drama or controversy. Two games did set themselves apart, however: those between Gunnar Shaw's ridiculously racist "Hitler's Youth Army" and Chris Tecca's aptly named "4-Year Sophmore (sic)", and between Robbie Brown's creatively titled "Team Brown" and John Chobanian's "The Black Mamba".

The first contest is noteworthy because it contained the league's 1st overall pick, Adrian Peterson, an object of fierce controversy. The scandal arose from a comment his owner made the day after the player draft, casually gloating, "Dude, I can't believe I got Aaron Peterson, I'm gonna run train!" This seemingly innocuous comment would go on to spark immense debate, as an AP poll shows that 93% of 9th grade girls know that it is, in fact, Adrian Peterson. When reached for comment, Tecca only said, "I suck" and proceeded to soil himself in the atrium. Nevertheless, due to the quality of his own team or (more likely) Tecca's trainwreck lifestyle and utter lack of football knowledge, Gunnar Shaw defeated Tecca in a high-scoring contest.

At the other end of the spectrum sits, or should I say lurks, John "Black Mamba" Chobanian. While his owner may not know his name, Adrian Peterson was able to rack up 37 fantasy points-equalling the total score of the Mamba's team. In a post-game interview Chobanian had only this to say, "This be the mamba. Gimme chances my team sucks." A reporter then offered 96 as an appropriate number. Said reporter picked some numbers, the Mamba guessed incorrectly, and it was confirmed that the Mamba's team does in fact suck. A rough draw, indeed.

In other league news, Prestige Worldwide smoked Disregard Females Aquire Currency, Toats McGoats defeated Lata Jobin, and I Love College bested Turd Ferguson in a battle of grizzled veterans Travis Mulvihill and Clark Brighton.