Dear Santa Claus

This is Peter McNally (from my earlier letters, you probably know me as Petey Pie, but times have changed). First, I just want to say hello and wish you a merry Christmas. Second, would you please give this message to Mrs. Claus? It’s very important. Thank you.

Mrs. Claus? It's Peter again. We don’t want Santa reading over your shoulder, do we, so tell him to leave the room. Is he gone? No? Well tell him that he can eat the cookies I sent with the letter. That should give us enough time. Is he gone yet? Good. Now we can be alone…

I have been thinking of you every minute since we last spoke. I know you told me not to try and reach you while Santa was around, but I just cannot wait. Please. We must be together, and this time, I can’t wait till Christmas.

Everyone’s talking about your current lover, but we both know that Santa is incapable of love – just lust. I know that there is a lot more in that sack he brings down the chimney at night than just toys, and that there are a lot of single mothers out there. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

If not for my sake, then for yours! How many times has he come home late from the toy factory, drunk on eggnog? A nose that red can’t come from cold whether alone. And when he comes home, is he tender? Does he whisper sweet nothings in your ear like I do? No.

This year, the only thing I want for Christmas is you.


Merry Christmas,

Peter

-PS. Burn this letter after you read it. Santa must never know.