U.S. News and World Report, in an effort to stay relevant, likes to rate things. Given our current obsession with education, namely paying and preparing for it, colleges and high schools are an easy target. Normal people would be happy to have their school receive the ambiguously defined “silver medal,” but in Hanover it’s apparently cause for criticism.

According to Hanover’s resident pack of fools, our success as a school is determined by the fact that we’re all apparently very rich. Yes, that’s absolutely it: our parents all gave us the best brains that money can buy.

True, we’re not your average town, but we’re not all future Fortune-500 CEOs. It’s a little irritating to hear that I only have good grades because of my parents’ jobs, but I can’t imagine how much worse this is for the teachers.

I’ve had a fair sampling of public schools, and I have to say that the teachers at Hanover High are far better than the teachers at my past schools. However, by insinuating that Hanover’s success is due to its wealth, these people have bashed our teachers. Would Mr. Bonfiglio or Mr. Hackman be worse teachers if their students’ parents were maids or mechanics?

It’s a mark of how twisted our society is that while we’re the most affluent country in history, we’re still hypocritical enough to believe that we’re edgy and cool by railing on the successful. Rent, a musical glorifying the starving artist and deriding everything done for profit, is a multi-million dollar franchise that’s had its logo plastered on every conceivable piece of merchandise.

Maybe it's just the American way; we root, for Seabiscuit while in reality we’re War Admiral.

Chrismahanukwanzakkuh: The Holiday of Holidays (for the stores)

I walked into Dunkin' Donuts this morning to buy the same thing I always get: A #1 meal, with a large hot cocoa and two Sprinkles donuts, coated in sprinkles with every color of the rainbow. Instead, I received two Sprinkles donuts coated in sprinkles with two colors of the rainbow: red and green. I don't mind either color, in fact, red is usually my favorite color. It was the circumstance that pissed me off.

A few minutes later, I turned on the radio, and was greeted by "and a Happy Holidays to you," at the end of and ad. I turned my hot cocoa mug in my hand, and realized that under the classic "America Runs On Dunkin'," there was another well known phrase, that apparently no company has a copyright on: "Happy Holidays." I almost threw my cocoa away right then.

I am not Ebenezer Scrooge. I do enjoy Christmas. I enjoy Thanksgiving. I may not celebrate Hanukkah, but I have nothing against those who do. What really makes me angry is the commercialization of “The Holidays.” They are called HOLIdays because they are supposed to be holy. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanza, and some of the newer ones, Chrismukkah, or Chrismahanukwanzakkuh, are not meant to be commercial hay days. If the commercial industry wants an excuse to have big sales on everything in stock, which sometimes aren’t even sales, just mark downs on prices after they’ve been marked up, then the industry can have mallidays. Just as the holidays are graciously scattered throughout the year, so can these days be. What I dislike is over a month straight of too much red and green, too much money being spent, even when people think they are saving, too much commercial holiday. The holidays are meant to be a time for family and friends, not to be taken advantage of.

I am quite outspoken about this. I even posted a rather inappropriate post on Facebook (http://hs.facebook.com/event.php?eid=6241268450 for those of you brave enough to face my wrath), ranting about extraneous Christian traditions, many of which are not even Christian, just stolen from pagan religions. A few hours later, a religious teenager from South Carolina messaged me, asking me to describe my anger, so that we could discuss it. I basically told her what I’ve written up above. She came back with a decent argument, that went something like this: “I agree completely, the holiday is way over-publicized. However, this publicity could be God’s way of converting more people. If a non-believer receives, say, a new iPod for Christmas, maybe she will think about why Christmas happens, and start going to church.”

I can accept that as a possible rebuttal. Speaking as a non-believing Christian (figure that one out), it is not the commercial industry’s job to convert people to religion. And also, many people are introduced to religion, like myself, and then choose not to believe, because of many reasons. And if we have chosen not to believe, a new iPod has very little chance of making us believe again, especially as we get old enough to understand that Christmas gifts are no miracle, just our parents being really nice to us.

I think that the commercial industry should back off on Christmas. I have no problem with them making a few sales around the right time, and even hanging some “Happy Holidays” signs up a few days before Christmas. But taking advantage of customers for a full month in advance, and reminding us the holidays are coming so many times that by the time they do arrive, we’re already sick of them, that I have a problem with. Of course, as annoyed as I am at the big stores, and some of the little ones, I also see myself as a bit of a hypocrite. The only reason I add “Christian” onto non-believing is to take advantage of the plentiful holidays.

MERRY CHRISMAHANUKWANZAKKUH, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Senior Class

Last week in Common Ground we all received a nice letter from our Principal remarking at how wonderful the senior class is. While we all appreciated the letter and the sentiment, the rest of our Common Ground was open season for hating on the seniors. Even some of the seniors were getting in on it. The main argument, it seemed, was that the seniors this year aren't really seniors at all. We don't push people around, we aren't big and scary like seniors past, we're basically old juniors who are still in the school. 

Maybe it's the college woes or the new school that's got us down, but this years senior class is, quite frankly, lame. I have to admit it, we just aren't that strong of a class. Take us individually and we seem amazing. We have contortionists, scholars, nationally ranked athletes and even a few actors. But together, we're just a big group of people. If you ask a senior about that girl in our class who just got into Yale, the common answer is: "Who is that? Is she even in our grade?" No one takes the time to go out of their social holes and really figure each other out. Ever since 8th grade the only common theme I can see in my own class is that we're all in a rush to get out of Hanover, and in the process all we've done is alienate ourselves from one another. We have, arguably, the most cliquey grade in the school, yet we are supposed to be the most mature out of the entire student body. The only time people unite is when they rally to exclude other people, be it from their tables in the atrium or saving chairs in the auditorium or even not picking up their phones when certain people call. I've been there, I've seen all of this happen. Everyone is so exclusive and in their own worlds. The very same people who whine about wanting to go to college so badly do things that are, honestly, really "high school". John Hughes would have had a field day with the 08's at Hanover. When we aren't inebriated we just talk about getting inebriated or complain about some aspect of life in the Upper Valley. I say we because I have to include myself in this assessment, I am just as guilty as the rest. Sure, on the first day of school we all wore those red shirts. But if you stopped and looked at where everyone was sitting and who they were actually talking to, was it really different? What should have been a fun rallying point turned out to be a glorified uniform. 

I guess what I really want to say to the 08's is that we should spend our last year together really making something of it. Haze freshman, rather than each other. Let's actually get some ideas going for a sweet senior prank or something. Too long we've been defined as the grade that's too big. We need to make a name for ourselves. The 07's were the jocks, the 06's were alternative, the 05's legends. What are we? No one wants to be known as that grade that couldn't stand each other. So next time someone you don't know is looking for a seat in the auditorium or the next time you see someone sitting alone in the atrium, give them a chair. They're in your class, they're going through the same thing you are, why not get to know them, after all, we only have one more year. 

An Adult...sort of

Last month, I turned 18.
The big birthday that is supposed to separate you from being a juvenile to a full-fledged adult, 18 hit me like a slight breeze. I don't feel a month over 17 and yet I'm legally a totally different person. Theoretically, I am now a wise man who can make decisions about my country and my life without parental supervision. But when I called Mrs. C to let her know I'd be out with my family for a day, it didn't fly. My mother was called, the administration was notified and the whole debacle turned into a huge mess. I'll admit that I neglected to give Mrs. C a specific reason for my absence, but shouldn't my all-powerful 18 year old self be able to make those sort of calls about my own life? The first time I tried to flex my adult abilities, it blew up in my face. Sure I can buy porn and cigarettes and even vote, but I'm still bound by my childhood regulations. In the real world I can go to war and travel the globe. To the school though, I'm just a regular kid.
Mrs. C reminded me that freedom is not unversal. Rules will follow me everywhere I go. Frankly, being 18 doesn't give you more rights, it just gives harsher punishments for the rules already in place. I can still be tried for underage drinking, only now I could be thrown in jail and not recieve diversion. Is being able to buy nudie mags and butts really worth losing the barrier of childhood ignorance? If I make a bad desicion now, I'd be in a heap of trouble. 18 year olds aren't supposed to make bad desicions, but 17 year olds can do whatever they want. The only difference I've felt being 18 is that there's more pressure, more responsibility, and even then it's all passive. 18 should be fun and fancy free right? No one gave me a handbook telling me what being an adult should feel like, but authorities assume I know.
There was one triumphant day when I bought a cheap cigar for the hell of it, but afterwords, I didn't feel any sort of accomplishment. I don't smoke, and the guy at the register didn't even card me. I could have walked up and bought the cigar when I was 17. Either way, I still wouldn't have smoked it.

Student Council

Ever since I entered the high school I have been puzzled by the Student Council. I never really understood what purpose it served, and now as a senior I am equally confused. It seems that after being excused from class once every Friday and rearranging the library furniture, they just seem to talk about nothing. It is true that programs such as March Intensive have been passed by the council, but I fail to see why such a large group of students needed to be involved. My objection in short is simple: there are a great number of students on the Student Council that are there simply to put another item on their college transcript, and it seems to me that every decision council has made in my high school career could have been made by a panel of teachers and a group of invested students.

The student council elections are for the most part, a complete joke. There have been some in the past who have tried to tell me that it is not a popularity contest, but I cannot understand where they are coming from. I spoke with a council official about the subject, and he/she did not deny this, but told me it was then my responsibility, as a member of this democratic society, to move the student body away from the attitude of the popularity contest to a more of a democratic election. Something tells me my efforts would be in vain.

This issue is an illustration of the bigger picture of the student body that seems to escape some members of the student council. The fact is, the students do not care. Though the enormous number of posts on the opinion board beg to differ, it seems that students are just not involved and do not care to change that. I sincerely doubt that the average high school student can name something other than March Intensive that council has accomplished in the past four years. The system is clearly not democratic if only a handful of students actually care about the decisions that affect the school. With no real support from the student body, there seems to be no reason for the student council to remain as large or as powerful as it is.

I believe that Student Council should be reduced in size and authority, and that issues should be dealt with by teachers and students that actually care. I strongly feel that elections should be made by students but nominations should be made by faculty. It is too easy now for a cool enough kid who wants another thing to put on their transcript to get onto council and be totally detached from any meaningful issues at hand. That's not my ideal for a governing body.

I'm not actually from Vermont...

“The Second Vermont Republic is a nonviolent citizens' network and think tank opposed to the tyranny of Corporate America and the U.S. government, and committed to the return of Vermont to its status as an independent republic and more broadly to the dissolution of the Union.”

Plans to secede were made over a friend’s dinner table one Friday night last summer. Obviously, something was seriously wrong with the United States, and the only remedy was to create a safe haven for, well, more people like us. California seemed like a good place to begin our revolution, until we decided that if the people there were crazy enough to ban smoking in bars, they weren’t to be trusted with their own sovereign nation. After toying briefly with the ideas of conquering Southern France (too French), Canada (too Canadian), and Hong Kong (too British), my friend and I set our sights on Vermont.

Vermont, whose original constitution had been drafted and ratified in a tavern over a period of four days, had been an autonomous republic from 1777 to 1791, and had already developed its own secessionist movement: The Second Republic of Vermont. Confident that the combined forces of two seventeen-year-old boys were sufficient to bring the laid-back Vermonters to heel, we drew up our plans for governance of our new Empire.

While chartering our new nation’s economic policy, we realized that without a coastal harbor to receive shipments of Subarus, our fledgling empire would crumble. After first planning to take over Massachusetts, mainly because “P-town is sweet,” it was decided that our newly-formed Vermont militia wouldn’t be able to effectively combat the Red Sox Nation if Boston were threatened.

New Hampshire, on the other hand, was a far more benign target, had our desperately-needed access to coastal waters, a world-class medical facility, and controlled the other bank of the Connecticut River, which would become a vital artery in our maple syrup, cheddar cheese, and marijuana trades. Bringing New Hampshire into The Empire would also make our new nation the only country outside the United States with an Ivy League college. Most importantly, New Hampshire/Vermont made a nearly perfect rectangle on a map, which would attract the world’s more geographically aware obsessive-compulsives to pursue citizenship.

Of course, the Department of Homeland Security’s belief that out recent machinations in Vermont are actually the product of Quebec’s own secessionist movement is evident by the DOHS’s plans to make the I-95 checkpoint a permanent installation. Obviously, both us and Al Qaeda will have to delay our plans to reestablish the fur trade.

iBlag

Blog for Bourne

This weekend I watched one of my childhood idols crumble. A friend and I, our decision making process obviously impaired by the stuffy air of her basement, chose to watch “The Return of the Jedi.” Bad idea; never revisit childhood memories expecting the same experience, and “The Empire Strikes Back” is a superior film anyway.

I fondly watched Anthony Daniels (C3PO) pantomime his way through Jabba the Hutt’s dank pad soaking in small details I had missed when I’d watched the same scene at age ten: principally the apparent absence of lighting apparatus, and a green hookah.

Things went downhill when Mark Hamill (Luke) walked in to become conveniently captured. For my Ten-year-old mind, Luke Skywalker had always been a golden god. Anybody who cut people in half with a light saber was worth idolizing. But I had never really given Mark Hamill a good long look before, conveniently distracted by his glowing death-beam. Mark Hamill seems incredibly ugly on screen.

I can’t speak for his private life, and there may be a more rational explanation for his appearance than divine punishment, but the bottom line is that I can barely look at him ture the original trio of Star Wars movies. The fact that these movies, outside of a few B-movies and hundreds of gimmicky TV appearances as “himself,” are the only way that Mark Hamill has been immortalized in cinema makes his image even more tarnished.

But there are more portrayals of Hamill: posters, action figures, and other memorabilia meant to be encased in glass an imprisoned in a moldy basement. I couldn’t actually ask a real fan to show to show me evidence of Mark Hamill’s sex appeal for the simple reason that I didn’t have eight hours to sit trough some sanctimonious sermon. Opting for a slightly saner atmosphere, I journeyed over to Newbury Comics.

After a brief love affair with a pair of Wolverine gloves, I stumbled through a forest of comic racks to the wall reserved for action figures. Before I go any further, I would like to say that it is entirely possible to create an attractive action figure: Harrison Ford’s (Han Solo’s) doppelganger is nearly as attractive as the actor himself. But, my hopes were crushed to find that a plastic representation of Mark Hamill was uglier that the original. I hopelessly picked through the comic racks, trying to lift my spirits, before exiting, dejected, one of my childhood idols now completely shattered.

The lesson? In a nutshell: don’t revisit a positive childhood memory expecting the same experience you had nearly a decade ago. People change, tastes differ, little boys develop a more discriminating eye when examining their male peers. Most importantly, Mark Hamill may have been reduced in status, but Harrison Ford, People Magazine’s sexiest man alive in 1998, at age 56, is still on a high pedestal.

APW Post numero uno

Hey Everybody,
Coincidentally, I have no idea who "everybody" is since I'm not sure who exactly will be reading this, but at any rate, here we go. When first presented with the choice to "blog" rather than write a letter I figured I would do the blogging simply to save on postage. I have to admit, that's still my major reason. But it's also very intriguing to know that my thoughts are on the web for all to see. I wonder if it will work now if I try and Google myself. I think blogging as a concept is a great idea, sharing thoughts is always healthy. But recently it seems to me the world of blogging is dominated by a very strange group of people. This was my hesitation to blogging. Every blog you hear about is posted from someone undergoing a sex change or about to commit suicide. While these stories are usually depressing, they're also interesting. I don't want to be associated with those who want to kill themselves or be girls, not like there's anything wrong with that, it's just not for me. But I also don't want my own life to be put up against the lives of people who actually have struggles or interesting things happen to them. You never see blogs of normal people talking about thier lives. Maybe this is because it takes a certain type of person to paste their emotions on a virtual screen for the world to access. I feel as though my life won't stack up compared to those of the crazies inhabiting the back-alleys of the internet. If you know me at all, you'll probably notice by reading this that I'm throwing in all the witty humor I possibly can. There's something about posting my life that makes me want to jazz it up, or make it more interesting in some way. Hopefully the humor works, I'm normally not that funny. But then again, maybe its time for the internet to experience some normalcy for once. It's a sad time when the new, unexpected thing is for somone normal to pop up and start talking about being normal. Who knows, maybe my own little blog will be making waves someday. They'll call me "That Kid Whose Not Completely Insane"...I like it.

-CJL

Hi Advanced Prose Writers,

Share your wisdom in approximately 400-500 words. Please send me your email address through the school's email so that I may add you as poster.

Thanks,
H. Bourne